Stop. Look. Listen.
Last night Chris brought wee Lila upstairs to the bedroom where he engaged her giggling evening spirit and told me to go on down to the computer and have at it. I had in front of me at least a half hour of quiet, baby-free, both hands on the keyboard time so I could get a piece written for the online writing workshop I just joined. As I made my giddy way downstairs, Tyler met me on the steps with a notebook and pencil.
"Mom, I want to write a story, will you help me?"
Heart sinking and racing at the same time, I stammered something about wait a minute, let me think while I took inventory of the selfish thoughts flying through my mind.
What do you have to do that now for?
This is MY time. For Me. Alone.
I could cry right now.
I'm a bad mother.
If I loved my kid I'd invite him to write with me.
I hate writing with anyone in the room, I can't even think.
Oh, God, he's going to want to chat about his story.
He's going to ask me questions.
I won't be able to write anything coherent.
Dammit, just go to bed we'll do this tomorrow.
No we won't, I'll have something more important tomorrow too.
I have to learn to do this and have a family.
Is he trying to get a rise out of me?
No, he wants to be with me. He needs my attention.
I can't give it to him and to my work right now.
Yes you can. Just do it.
I compromised as best I could, "I've been looking forward to having a little time to write by myself all day and I'm tired so I need to focus. You can sit at your desk and work on yours and I'll sit at my desk and work on mine. Deal?"
He grinned and ran to his desk, jabbering on about how he wanted to write a scary story but did I think that was a good idea because it was almost bed time. He didn't think he'd scare himself, but what if it turned out to be a really good scary story. Did I want to see the drawings he already did of aliens who want to take over the earth?
He switched on his desk lamp and got busy. I stared at the screen with my fingers resting on the home row, trying to hold back the flood of tears brimming in my eyes. I felt so inadequate-as a mother and as a writer. I felt so in love with my boy who has more enthusiasm and hope in his left pinkie than I have in my whole body. How did I get so lucky? Why can't I remember to appreciate it without having to be humbled into it again and again?
He rolled his chair back and held up the notebook with a paragraph in his best cursive and two small drawings. "Can I read it to you?"
It was good. He showed instead of telling, he used strong, descriptive words, eleven year old descriptive words full of drama and passion. He finished and I told him how he painted a vivid picture with words. He said, "Maybe I'll grow up to be a writer like you."
Oh boy, there went the water works again. "Honey, if you write, if you enjoy writing, you're already a writer-at least that's what my teachers tell me."
"Good. Then we're a writing family." He turned out his light and left his story on the desk, came over and gave me a too-wet kiss and wished me goodnight. He brushed his teeth and tucked himself in without the usual comedic coersion routine and I think that's because he got what he needed.
I opened a folder of writing that I haven't looked at in a while, copied a poem I like and pasted it into a post window for the workshop and hit send.